Navigating the Dynamics of Multicultural Family Relationships
September is upon us and with it, I’m embracing the reentry and back to school energy. After an extended break, the fall restart is often about reorganizing, reestablishing connection and setting new goals and priorities for the season ahead. This year is no exception, as I reconnect with my clients and work with them to help them align with their vision and dreams.
As I’ve written about in previous newsletters, multiculturalism is an integral theme in the work that I do with clients and recently, I held a discussion with international women business leaders about multicultural family relationships. It was a great opportunity to learn from one another, to listen to what’s working (and what’s not) and the successes and failures. I’m sharing some of the learnings this month as I think it can benefit us all.
Rihab Babiker shared with us Wendy Williams’ TedX talk about her book The Globalization of Love, where she notes that "multicultural couples have all the issues that exist in monocultural relationships - money, laundry, work - plus whatever colorful combination of culture, language, religion, and ethnicity a couple brings into their marriage."
A multicultural family, which can include interracial, third-country kids, or intercultural partners, faces additional issues to contemplate and address in their coming together - such as cultural differences, determining a place of residence, agreeing on parenting and child rearing (which values, language, traditions, to incorporate etc.), defining extended family dynamics, and dealing with prejudice. It often involves compromise on things that a partner may not have previously been comfortable with and shines a light on things that weren’t important that now suddenly are. There is also the anticipation of bias to consider. These dynamics also shift in the different chapters of our lives, from individual to partners, from couples to family, from school years to retirement.
Our discussion touched upon many different questions, from how to talk to kids about their identity and how they relate to them, to what cultural traditions to observe, including religion, politics and even holidays. We also talked about how extended families in many cultures influence gender roles and major life decisions. In each of these scenarios, it’s important to understand - who decides what to observe and how? Loren, who participated in the discussion, shared that these are “nuances that you don't generally talk about when you're dating someone of a different culture, and often it goes above and beyond child rearing, things like gender role expectations in different cultures, how to handle finances who is in charge of finances, who do you vacation with? Is it with the extended family? Is it with your nuclear family? These are topics that come up later in our relationship when children are older. Parenting decisions in some cultures also extend to the extended family which adds another layer or another color to the equation. Colorful is the perfect word to describe all these nuances.”
In fact, stressing colorfulness means that there is no wrong and right way, it’s not black and white, instead there are different dimensions to consider. These different dimensions add color and layer. Instead of looking at these decisions as wrong or right, we have to make a mindset shift to consider the nuances.
As our conversation evolved, we noted that one of the best approaches is to make a conscious “Commitment and Agreement” in making decisions relating to cultural factors within the family, considering the greater good of the family and oneself in terms of career advancement. As June noted, “managing a multicultural family is not just about the family-made self but it's also about managing career development for parents and making the right moves at the right time and taking into consideration what impact it has on the family.”
When having conversations about important family matters, it can be helpful to develop a Neutral Language Dictionary. As Loren explained, she and her partner shared a similar value system, which became the glue for tougher conversations. Utilizing neutral language helps partners and family members gain perspective and allows them to better understand how to rank components differently. Loren shared, “we decided to talk about it in a way that encapsulates all parties' thoughts and concerns and approach it accordingly. We put everything down on a piece of paper and ranked it. I found that things were ranked differently although they were present on both lists. For example, vacation was not a high-ranking topic for me, but it was for my partner, and it did impact our family. Understanding these norms allowed us to talk about it in a very neutral way. Using neutral language helps to connect the dots and understand that what is a priority for you won't be a priority for your partner and vice versa.” When it comes to these conversations, it’s important to remove judgment so that we can also separate ourselves from attachment. Remaining neutral, which is essentially the opposite of judgment, while reviewing cultural differences and preferences allows one to remain open to finding opportunities for agreement.
How we are shaped by our culture and families affects our decisions and each time, we have a choice to make. The impact of our environment affects how we relate to our partners, our kids and ultimately, how we shape those relationships. It can be helpful to discuss this openly in the family and use different scenarios, whether it’s relevant to your spouse or relationship, children or even gender roles and identity.
Whether you’re at the beginning of a multicultural relationship or have a thriving multicultural family, there are no hard and fast rules to making it work. Figuring out the best method for your family takes time, energy, communication, neutrality and compromise, allowing you all to get to a place of deep understanding.
Now I’d like to hear from you. What aspects are working well and what challenges arise due to cultural differences in your multicultural family? How do you navigate and address these challenges? Drop me a line with your thoughts, as we are all continuing to learn how to best navigate this terrain.
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The dynamics of multicultural family relationships are complex, often filled with strengths, challenges, and everything in between. Take a moment to reflect on your own experience, using the following questions as prompts.
Given the cultural differences in your multicultural family, what aspects are working well and what challenges have arisen? How do you navigate and address these challenges?
How comfortable are you with compromising on cultural practices within your family? Are there any compromises that are difficult to accept? How do you find middle ground?
How do you approach open discussions in your multicultural family? What have you learned from these conversations?
How have your cultural identities shaped your individual and collective identities through various life chapters? How do you pass on these identities to the next generation?
Have your perspectives on family life changed given the multiple cultural backgrounds in the family? Are certain aspects more significant that were once considered less important?
How do your children relate to their cultural identities and how do you help them embrace their heritage?